Wow, what a delicate and sensitive topic! You can bet I won’t deal with it delicately OR sensitively though. Of course, the one true religion is Orthodox Arachnaism, unless you are in the highest tax bracket in which case you can afford a better god than the rest of us. But religious tolerance is important! So here is some friendly advice and information about other faiths.
- Avoiding conversion
People are always going to try to convert you to their system of beliefs. Some will do this aggressively. The best defence is to carry around a Holy Book of your religion, which in the presence of rival Holy Books will make itself look big and show its teeth. 83.2% of religious disputes are solved this way.
2. Religion in public spaces
It shocks me that people still argue about this, when there are very clear rules that have been agreed upon for decades now. Religions can be represented in public spaces but only on Tuesdays and weekends, and every day of March on a leap year. Scientologists are not permitted in town squares at any time, but are allowable in municipal property such as public pools, libraries and playgrounds provided they fill out the correct paperwork and make an offering to the City Hall werewolves. Daoists and Jainists are permitted in public gardens but never at the same time. Beheadings, crucifixions, stonings and witch-burnings are held only on full moons. Semitic traditions are collectively the most popular and influential, and thus in 1998 gained the legal right to congregate in sporting arenas on every prime-numbered year, except Christians who should stay in science classes and terrible chain cafes where they belong.
3. Common misconceptions and little known facts
Let’s just rattle these off as quickly as possible: Wicca and Mormonism are both secretly fronts for the same witness protection scheme. Demonic worship has been known to yield results, but only from every fourth demon on Wikipedia’s list of theological demons, every seventh in the list of fictional demons, and every third in the list of Thermodynamically relevant demons. Religious leaders in Hinduism are known as ‘Double Hindus.’ Ancient Egyptian polytheism is not dead, it’s being carried on by followers of the Cult of Cthulhu on their days off. Satanists don’t actually worship Satan, they mostly just get his coffee.
4. Interfaith Dialogue
You may have noticed that religious people are CONSTANTLY FIGHTING EACH OTHER. But people aren’t inherently bad, so to counter this many faiths have been promoting peace and understanding by opening up a dialogue. I think this is great. Did you know that the Dalai Lama and Pope Francis have been engaged in chess by correspondence for eight months now? Also, Jewish people and Buddhists all get together on the second Thursday of each month to talk about their favourite Game of Thrones characters. Literally every person watches Game of Thrones. It is the great unifier.
5. Agnosticism and atheism
I’m not sure about agnostics, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that there is no such thing as an atheist.
6. Political Correctness
With so many religions it’s hard to keep track of what you can and can’t say and do around each one, so here are some tips. Do not mention ninjas around followers of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or ‘Pastafarians.’ This is a sensitive subject after the massacre of ’02. If you are at a mass-poisoning of the Cult of the Enlightened, it is highly disrespectful to refuse food or drink. Please remember that the PC term for a female Bronie is ‘Pegasister.’ Finally, remember that there are numerous Sun-God based religions. Make sure you understand the difference. Getting them confused could result in embarrassment, drowning, mercury poisoning, or ending all life on Earth by angering the sun. You will not be popular.
7. Signs and Religious Experiences
A sign from God is unmistakeable, but determining which god isn’t always easy. Angels, bright lights and heavenly choruses tend to lend themselves to Semitic traditions. Visions of pirates and noodles generally indicate that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is reaching out to you. Ravens and World Trees suggest Odin or other Norse gods.
Nobody knows which god sends the screeching sounds and visions of red rivers that come every night. What a dark, terrible God or Goddess they must be.
8. Afterlife
A popular belief held by agnostics (if they even exist) and less conservative religious people is that being a good person will gain you entry into heaven, even if you backed the wrong deity. While it is not my place to speculate on whether this is true, I have collected evidence from various theological books and scholarly papers and have reached the conclusion that IF it’s true, the conglomerate afterlife would go something like this.
- All are welcome to The Heavens provided they were a good person in life. But there is a waiting period of 6-8 weeks if you didn’t have coins placed over your eyes after death.
- The best parts of the Heavens are inaccessible unless you have a letter of commendation from an ex-Pope, archangel, Moon Goddess, Buddha or member of the Insane Clown Posse. This is to prevent undesirables.
- No peeing in the pool. C’mon, guys.
- All dogs go to heaven, as do every second cat, goldfish longer than 10cm, birds over the age of three, turtles if they went to church every sunday in life, butterflies who observed the Sabbath, mice that observed Lent, lizards who observed Ramadan and parrots who observed International Talk Like a Pirate Day.
- Christians, Jews and Muslims have to timeshare the bowling alley until they all learn to get along.
- Catholics, upon entry to heaven, are now allowed to eat meat on Fridays, but for some reason Rastafarians aren’t.
- Religious leaders are required to admit that they love wearing funny hats.
- Wednesday night is bingo night.
chaoticathebutterfly 