“How is it that you’re so well adjusted, Chaotica?” you may well ask. Well, a huge part of it is just accepting that life will always be full of everyday complications and irritations. It is this knowledge that allows me to cope as well as I do. INDIGO! CANTALOUPE! PETS WEARING PEOPLE CLOTHES! ELEVEN! In the vein of helpfulness that I like to maintain for my readers, here are some helpful hints at getting through the day without erupting from sheer frustration. NINJA BUTTS!
1. Daylight
Something you may or may not have noticed is that the period of sunlight that rudely interrupts the night lasts for approximately half of every given 24 hour cycle. Most people I know generally sleep during The Bright Time, but occasional exposure is sometimes unavoidable. Appropriate attire is key.
2. Clowns
Easily recognisable by their ridiculous outfits and obnoxious behaviour, they can only be destroyed by a stake to the heart. Contrary to popular belief, these are not mere humans in costume but something far more sinister and annoying.
3. Joggers
Easily recognisable by their ridiculous outfits and obnoxious behaviour, they can only be destroyed by a stake to the heart. Contrary to popular belief, these are not mere humans in costume but something far more sinister and annoying.
4. The constant beeping noise
You know the one that unceasingly follows you around? You can hear it right now. Yes, you can. No, not that one. You know the one. Surround yourself with constant nonsense and you may drown it out for a few precious minutes.
5. Dreams
Dreams are, invariably, terrifying. They are also riddled with coded messages. The best way to escape these visions which SCIENCE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHY WE HAVE is to understand what they mean. Common dreams include:
MAGPIES: You want to have sex with your mother.
FINLAND: Everyone has the Finland dream. That’s ok, it’s normal. You aren’t alone. It may seem now like you will never get over it, but these things pass. Relax. It’s normal.
NORWAY: You sick bastard.
BOOKS: You want to have sex with your mother.
KITES: Any friends wearing green on Tuesday are not to be trusted.
BRANDY SNAPS, SUSPENDED IN A BLACK VOID AND SPEAKING IN THE VOICE OF NED FLANDERS: You want to have sex with your mother.
CLOWNS: I can’t help you. Nobody can. You have been selected.
6. Pop-up ads
There is a little known hack that will block ALL pop-up ads, thus freeing you from this constant nuisance. For PCs, hold SHIFT and press F4 while singing a sea shanty. Stand in a ring of mushrooms at the full moon and call your secret name. Then bury a photograph of your first pet under an elm tree. A pop-up menu will appear. Click settings> options> format> forgotten pagan faiths> cult of Hephaestus. You no longer have to deal with pop-up ads on any computer.
For Macs, simply hold COMMAND and press the UNLIKELY SCORPIONS key.
7. Unlikely scorpions
This is an unfortunate side-effect of avoiding pop-up ads, or may be a result of angering a wizard. Either way, tuck your socks into your pants.
8. Irritating facebook statuses
The best response to overly religious, optimistic, or passive aggressive statements posted on facebook is disproportionate shrieking.
9. Awareness of one’s own mortality
Avoid vast expanses such as the ocean, reflective surfaces such as the mirror, and childhood classics such as The Lion King.
10. Door-knockers
More annoying than the door-knockers themselves (who are usually just collecting for charity or wanting to know if you’ve found that elusive bastard Jesus) is the wailing noises and seeping blood that any proper security system will set off in your house at the sign of unwanted intruders. There’s not much you can do- certain sacrifices have to be made in the name of security (not counting the more literal, more goat-y sacrifices). Keep a mop handy?
chaoticathebutterfly 