Hi all. Considering the tremendous success of ‘Dating Advice’ (in which we covered everything from man-eating crocodiles to glossolalia) and similar helpful posts, I’ve decided to further the spirit of helpfulness with these gems of counsel. Here are some tips to help get you started in your professional life. Enjoy!
- Avoid controversial topics of conversation. This includes but is not limited to politics, religion, art, education, philosophy, trampolines, orange groves, the ‘bumblebee situation,’ earth tremors, the void of meaning that is existence, the void of meaning that is instagram, underwater photography, sex, sex photography, underwater sex (or the photography thereof), and geese. If your potential employer steers you towards one of these topics of discussion, your best course of action is to nod and say “Yes, I think what you think,” unless the topic is trampolines in which case you should run. Fast, and far.
- Submit to mandatory blood sampling. This is a necessary and relatively painless part of the interview process. It is important for companies to collect the blood of their employees in order to check for diseases/blood wizards. Wizards of the blood are small, wily, and can cause problems down the line for high-end businesses.
- Be presentable. Taking pride in your appearance indicates that you are also likely to take pride in your work. So wear a fancy hat or, if the mood so takes you, an elaborate codpiece indicative of your manhood. For women, adorn yourself in an elaborate feather headdress. You will look fabulous, a word which comes from the Latin meaning ‘strange bird creature.’
- Consider what kind of job you are applying for. For an office job, you may find that certain paraphernalia of professionalism can help, such as a briefcase or an expensive pen that can ‘accidentally’ fall out of you pocket or handbag. However, other careers may require crossbows, night-vision goggles or elaborate scrapbooks detailing the eating habits of the Danish royal family. Take this into account- after all, you never know when a description of Queen Margrethe II’s breakfast will come in handy.
- It is important to set yourself apart from the other candidates, who for all you know are more attractive and physically strong than you. You may wish to point out to the interviewer that you are NOT an arsonist, but that you aren’t sure about the others in the waiting room. You don’t know them. You also know that you are not an embezzler, a Taiwanese assassin, or two little people in a long coat, one standing on the other’s shoulders.
- Be advised that your laptop or home computer may legally be seized to check for illicit activity. You may wish to delete your search history. If an employer were to check my search history they would only find innocuous phrases such as ‘blood wizards+weaknesses,’ ‘everything spiders why,’ and ‘Kardashian family blood type.’ This is because I have long since deleted any compromising evidence, so that employers need never know about the long hours spent googling ‘harpoon misfire, nobody can know, what do, also scorpions.’
- Bring ALL the necessary paperwork. Companies may reasonably expect to see your high school or university certificate of graduation, your driver’s license, your birth certificate, medical records, family history, x-rays to prove that you don’t have a scary skeleton living inside of you, a certificate of approval by our Lizard overlords, and a statement that you are sound of mind and soul signed in triplicate by your spirit animal. A certified list of all the owls you have seen in your life is optional.
chaoticathebutterfly 