Dating Advice from Chaotica

 

Due to my wealth of experience in giving overly-specific/suspect advice demonstrated here and here, I have decided to aid the more socially inept readers of this blog with the dos and donts of dating. These are some of the romance-related questions that have floated my way via message-in-a-bottle to my sea-cave lair in South America, followed by some general tips.

1.       Chaotica, the crocodiles have developed a taste for human flesh, what do we do?

This is a highly nuanced question, pertaining to varying levels of affection you might have for your date and the social acceptability of feeding him/her to living dinosaurs in order to facilitate your escape, with regard to how much time you’ve spent together. I think this question can be best answered with the following key:

We’ve been on 1-4 dates = nobody would judge you for ditching your date (i.e. leaving them to the crocodiles) if your life depends on it.

We’ve been on 5-15 dates = you probably like this person enough to justify trying to get him/her out alive at the possible expense of your own life at this stage in your relationship. But he/she may not see it this way, and your wisest option would be to throw them to the man-eating crocodiles before he/she throws you.

We’ve been on 16+ dates = Wow. You guys have something really special. He/she is likely willing to sacrifice themselves for you, and if not then they don’t deserve your attentions. Throw ‘em to the crocs.

2.       Chaotica, my date is speaking in tongues and is feared possessed by Satan. What should I do?

Language barriers are always a hindrance on a date. Just try to have fun and communicate mostly through gesture and/or interpretive dance.

3.       I’ve kidnapped Detective Candy’s family but she still seems unresponsive to my sexual advances. How do I let her know how I feel?

Jenkins, how did you get the address of my sea cave?

4.       What is a good place to go on a date?

To impress your intended, journey to the place between places. Or Paris. Paris is nice.

5.       The Dark Ones have been released. Please advise.

This seems like less of a dating problem and more of a global spiritual catastrophe, though I can see how it might impact your romantic prospects. Maybe consult Jenkins?

6.       How do I contact Jenkins?

Whisper “you thought nobody saw, but you were wrong” to any flightless bird and Jenkins will be in touch.

7.       How do you tell someone you’re not interested in them?

You will need a few things to pull this off, most importantly a fake passport and two safe-houses, in separate continents. Detective Candy if this is you, get new safe-houses because Jenkins has memorised yours. Go to your first safe-house and mail a polite but clear “no thanks” letter to a friend you won’t particularly miss, and tell the friend forward it to your would-be suitor. This ensures that he/she will attack your friend instead of you when they track the letter to its mailer. Lay low for a few years, and if possible try to have him/her assassinated to make absolutely sure that they won’t retaliate. If this is not feasible, start a new life as a cheese-maker in a modest and quaint European hamlet. Marry, have children, grow old. Never look back.

But then, this is just my experience.

8.       How do you tell if a date is going well?

This is a highly subjective matter. The best way to empirically determine the calibre of the date is through double-blind, controlled experiments wherein the date is not sponsored by any corporation with a hidden agenda. Ensure that you account for hidden variables such as age of participants and quality of breadsticks.

9.       I think my date is being tailed by a sinister man in a hat.

Third parties can be awkward on a date. If the problem persists, tell your intended that their sinister man is not welcome and should be politely abandoned. If the man in the hat continues to tail you as you drive away in a taxi, follow these instructions-

If the man is following in a black car: shake him off by doubling back.

Blue car: keep your eyes on the road ahead, pretend you do not see the sinister man.

Red car: call the police.

Dirty yellow car with bullet holes: pick up your mobile immediately and SMS ‘Call off the hound’ to 1800 WITCHHUNT. There may be hidden charges, amounting to 1/800^th of your soul, or the monetary equivalent which is 60c.

Purple car: start a new life as a cheese-maker in a modest and quaint European hamlet. Marry, have children, grow old. Never look back.

10.   Chaotica, stop telling strangers how to contact me. Also, The Dark Ones. That’s a thing we should probably deal with, right?

Yeah, man, but I thought YOU would know how to deal with them, that’s why I told that guy how to send a message to your dojo. How’s things with Candy by the way, my broseph?

11.   Things are not going well with Detective Candy.

I told you not to kidnap her family. Lemme know if you get any leads on The Dark Ones.

12.   It’s going well, we’ve been on a few dates, but I am increasingly of the opinion that my date may be a three-eyed bridge troll bent on devouring my flesh.

It’s cool man, as long as its two consenting adults. I’m not here to judge.

Equal rights for three-eyed trolls.

 

13.   Oh God, Oh God where…? Hello? Hello? I think I’m trapped in a dungeon! I’m strapped to something I… I can’t see what it is. Send help. SEND HELP!

Are you the guy from question nine? Question twelve maybe? Either way you’ve probably been eaten/ made into one of them by now.

14.   Chaotica this is Jenkins again, The Dark Ones are among us. They’ve replaced the most powerful people in the world and they’re looking for me. Oh God, THEY’RE LOOKING FOR ME!

Calm down and go to one of Candy’s safe-houses. The Peru one has a hot-tub and it’s not too far from my sea-cave.

15.   Chaotica this is Detective Candy. Jenkins is here and he’s freaking out, he says you sent him. How could you? You know I’m hiding from him!

Dammit Candy! I told you to get new safe-houses. Anyway this practically doesn’t even concern you, just tell him to stay away from the windows and forget about him. He has bigger problems than plotting against you.

16.   Chaotica I went to Peru like you said but Candy’s here and she’s freaking out.

Alright. Act cool. Maybe put on a movie, light some candles, try putting your arm around her and see how she responds. See if you can entice her with a dip in the hot-tub.

17.   Dammit Chaotica I’m not looking for dating advice, I need to calm Candy down before her panic attracts the psychic vultures, alerting The Dark Ones to our presence.

Yeesh, sorry.

18.   My date won’t stop talking about himself. What would you do?

Tell him everything is spiders and calmly take a sip from your drink, maintaining eye contact for an uncomfortably long time. That usually shuts them up.

19.   My date won’t stop talking about incurable diseases of the liver. What would you do?

 Tell them your sister died of liver cancer. Then laugh and tell them you’re just kidding, she actually died of the spiders.

20.   My date won’t stop talking about spiders. What should I do?

People read my blog?

21.   They’re here.

Who?

22.   The Dark Ones. Listen if I don’t see you again, tell my mother THE DARK ONES CANNOT BE DEFEATED. THEY ARE ALL. THEY ARE ALL.

Ok, where does she live?

 

GENERAL DATING TIPS:

1. A moonlit stroll on the beach in Summer is romantic, in Winter it’s an attempt to get you away from witnesses.
2. Don’t let the voices tell you you’re not good enough for him/her.
3. Don’t let the voices fall for him/her.
4. If one of the voices runs away with him/her, don’t let it get you down. Just think of it as one less consciousness constantly telling you to burn people.
5. Don’t become involved with more than eleven people at once.
6. Don’t become involved with more than six werewolves at once.
7. Don’t become involved with clowns.
8. If your date is secretly a clown, start a new life as a cheese-maker in a modest and quaint European hamlet. Marry, have children, grow old. Never look back.