Horoscopes
The Zodiac is bullshit, but if any of these predictions come true for you feel free to give me the credit.
Aries:
Today’s the day! The day you finally find out what that complicated-looking machine in your basement does. Be sure to wear protective clothing. If tomorrow you think you see Alan Rickman, it’s probably not really him.
Taurus:
Congratulations on being born in the second house of the Zodiac. It’s the best house, the party house. Every day is like one big shindig. Be warned: just because it’s a metaphorical shindig does not mean you should neglect to metaphorically leave out some chips and dip, or things could metaphorically get ugly.
Gemini:
You will write a bullshit horoscope on your blog, and like every other one of your posts this one will be thinly veiled self-flattery. You’re the best! You know this because the stars which somehow control everyone’s life have foretold it.
Cancer:
Duck.
Leo:
Pack a bag, walk out the door, and keep going south until you reach the gate between worlds. Give the gatekeeper a single piece of gold and he will take you to the world beyond this one. Seek out Methuselah, and tell him ‘the crow flies through the dark night.’ He will give you a map. Follow it to the Limestone Caves of Wröght, and await further instructions.
Virgo:
You really shouldn’t read your horoscope while you’re driving.
Libra:
That’s a nice home you’ve got. It would be a shame if something were to happen to it.
Scorpio:
Your life is slowly losing meaning. You weren’t sure at first, but at this point in your life it has become clear that every one of your actions is just a way to entertain yourself until you inevitably embrace the sweet release of the void. That’s great and all, but you’re seriously bringing the rest of us down, so just smile and keep the darkness bottled up on the inside. Seriously, you’re depressing Virgo.
Sagittarius:
Drop whatever the hell stupid thing you were going to do today, I need you to pick me up from the hospital. I uh… I can’t tell you what happened.
Capricorn:
You should get that growth on your arm checked out. Don’t worry about it too much though, the ringing in your ears and your vision darkening means it’s healing.
Aquarius:
You thought you could get away with it, didn’t you? Did you think I wouldn’t notice that someone had been in the secret room behind the bookcase? Well the next time you need someone to call off the Royal Guard, don’t come crying to me!
Pisces:
You skipped to the end so that you would only have to read your own horoscope. Now that’s what I call pulling a Mike Burges! (Ha, now you have to read the whole thing to find out what that’s a reference to).
chaoticathebutterfly 