How to Defend Yourself Against Matthew Husseys

It has come to my attention that we ladies are facing a new threat. As if periods, the pain of childbirth, and constantly being locked in dragon-guarded castles until a stupid knight shows up is not bad enough, we are now being plagued by an entirely new species: Matt Husseys.

Now don’t be fooled: generally Husseys look like ordinary men. Here:

 

I couldn’t find a close-up, but he has the cold, dead eyes of a lunatic crossed with a panther.

Their natural habitats include bars and clubs, and they want one and only one thing: poontang. This new species was brought to my attention today at a friend’s birthday party, and we ended up watching his videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qn49oASfnM&feature=relmfu

It ended up being a great bonding experience: there’s nothing quite like getting furious at something together. After watching the videos I realised I had myself once been prey to a Hussey. At the time all I could think was: ”who the hell does this guy think he is, touching my ass?”Little did I know that I had, in fact, encountered my first Matt Hussey (or to use the Latin, Cranio-Phallicus Maximus). That is why I have created this helpful guide for recognising and dealing with Hussey strategy, which is known among Hussey herds as “stealth attraction.”

Stealth Attraction Technique no. 1: The Impromptu Sex Dungeon

The technique: The Hussey will lure you over to a nearby wall, anything he can lean against, really. Once there he will distract you with shallow compliments and his damnably attractive English accent so that it is too late for you to escape. He has trapped you by wrapping one of his legs around yours and will not let go. It does not matter to the Hussey that there are people watching.

The counter-attack: Now, most women go for the simple (if messy) “cut off his head with your katana” method, not realising of course, that they are in fact dealing with an entirely new species. Like the praying mantis, the Hussey does not require a head to continue with his sexual endeavours: he thinks primarily with his penis. Eventually removal of the head will kill him, but upon removal the rest of the body seizes up, leaving you trapped. Instead, try to take advantage of the fact that he is standing on one leg. You can feign interest by holding his sides, then fall over and don’t let go, taking him with you. The shock is enough for you to escape, meanwhile the Hussey (which cannot get up once he is on his back), rolls around on the floor with his legs and arms waving in the air like an upside-down cockroach.

Stealth Attraction Technique no. 2: The Double-Twist Skirt-Lifting Manoeuvre With Extra Sleaze

The technique: The Hussey will place his hands around your waist and without you realising, lift your skirt or dress by a couple of inches. It’s not really known what this manoeuvre is intended to accomplish: maybe he wants you to think that he’s already begun the process of disrobing you, so that time can therefore be saved on it later? I don’t know.

The counter-attack: Now there is a simple method for everyday use and a more complicated one for when you are at a party in your own home and wish to guard against gatecrashing Matt Husseys. The simple one is this: wear layers. Husseys get frustrated and confused if they pull up a dress only to find there is a petticoat immediately under it, and that no extra skin has been revealed. Watch and laugh as their human-esque brows furrow in bewilderment. They will soon give up and leave you alone. Now the fun method: it only works in your own home because it requires much preparation and interaction with your environment. You need to construct an intricate network of strings attached to your dress. When the dress is pulled up, these invisible wires will activate a series of booby traps to which Husseys are highly sensitive, but which will not disturb the other guests. Green lights, high-pitched noises and weasel scented perfume will chase away any and all Husseys invading your private property.

Stealth Attraction Technique No. 3: The Ancient Pinned-Butterfly Technique.

The technique: with this the Hussey will attempt to pin your hands up above your head so that you remain defenceless as he has his wicked way with you.

The counter-attack: The Hussey, as you may have realised, is not a creature of intelligence. If you want to be practical you can easily kick him in the groin, but this guide is about fun, not practicality! Tell the Hussy you want to dance: he will oblige you, thinking this is a good sign. Once on the dance floor, wait until you’re dancing near enough to a man with a drink, and trip the Hussey up. With the drink most likely spilt, the man will place blame on the Hussey. Threatened with the possibility of a sound thrashing by a drunken partygoer, the Hussey will retreat. Plus, who knows? Said drunkard might be an alright guy, wink wink, nudge nudge ;).

Stealth Attraction Technique no. 4: The Fly-Guy

The technique: Some Hussey’s may attempt to place pressure on your shoulder or hip so that you focus your attention on the threatened areas while he silently unzips your fly. In his mind, you are probably thinking: “Here is a guy who can undo a zipper. Here is a guy worthy to father my offspring.” But then, little is known about the inner-workings of the Matt Hussey.

The counter-attack: My friend whose birthday it was suggested that attaching a fake penis to your womanhood before hitting the town is a decent countermeasure. But I would go one step further than that and suggest that you always hide a weasel in your panties. Remember, the weasel is the natural enemy of the Hussey, which is ironic because that’s really what Husseys are: weasels. Keep your weasel well-fed and you can also get a pet plus an irreplaceable defence mechanism in one cute, furry package. Your weasel is a friend for life!

Enjoy your Hussey-baiting while such a thing is still legal, and remember to be creative and have fun with it.

Yours truly,

Chaotica.